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- Personal Freedom
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- You Are Responsible for Your Own Happiness
- You may feel unhappy in your current situation. Perhaps you are waiting for
someone to change, believing that’s what you need in order to be happy. It is
true that others impact how you feel. However, when you base your happiness
on someone else’s ability to change, you may be giving up the power to change
your own life.
There is nothing inherently wrong with waiting or wanting someone to change.
Just remember: You are ultimately responsible for our own happiness or
unhappiness—so it makes no sense to blame your unhappiness on others or
expect others to make you happy.
If your happiness hinges on someone else, start by considering changes that
you can affect. Remind yourself that you have a choice in how you live day-to-day.
You alone are responsible for your happiness.
Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFT
Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco
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- Breaking Down the Cycle of Self-hate (Gentleness/Acceptance)
- Deep down, many believe that there is something inherently wrong with them.
We spend time trying to pinpoint our flaws. We hate ourselves for being flawed,
and attempt to eradicate our shortcomings by punishing ourselves. We act out
this self-hate with a plethora of defeating behaviors which include, drugs,
alcohol, over- or undereating, watching too much TV, proclaiming our flaws to
those around us, or turning our backs on love. This self-defeating behavior fuels
the fire, giving us further reason to dislike ourselves.
The cycle of self-hate is cause for much suffering. When we believe we are
flawed, we act out in self-defeating behavior, thereby reinforcing our flawed
nature, and the cycle continues. This cycle needs to stop if we are to be happy
and free.
In past articles I have explored some of the origins of our negative beliefs.
Although knowing who has fed us these lies about our nature may be important,
it is not essential for changing our life. If we are willing to challenge our core
beliefs, let’s start with an intention.
Are you willing to consider the possibility that your essential nature is good and
unflawed?
This doesn’t mean you have to believe it now; just consider the possibility. Keep
in mind that being inherently good does not preclude us from undergoing difficult
times. Feeling lost or scared and reacting unfavorably to difficult situations are
just a part of the human experience, not proof of wrongness in us. There is
nothing wrong with us. Life is simply full of experiences, both pleasant and hard.
We may amend any harm we have done, remember our intention to be kind, and
practice. There is no perfection, only practice.
For those of us willing to consider the possibility, here are some suggestions:
• Practice gentleness. Have compassion for yourself and others as you get
caught up in the cycle of self-hate. Be gentle with yourself even when you act out
in self-defeating ways. Know that you are suffering and need healing, not
criticism.
• Find a teacher or mentor who can mirror your innate goodness to you.
• Challenge your beliefs by examining your experience as it is, and not as you
believe it to be.
• Accept yourself as you are now rather than focusing on who you think you
should be. Healing is a process and happens over time.
• Foster the relationships and communities that support you and be willing to let
go of the ones that don’t
Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFT
Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco
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- That Crazy Committee in My Head (The Nature of Mind)
- Most of us have examined our minds and found a rough and ragged chatter that
seems endless. That crazy committee in our head is getting together for our
benefit, but in the end it brings us more suffering than clarity. The mind is an
incredible tool. You can balance a checkbook, figure out distance on a map, or
pull apart today’s most abstract political issue. Yet this tool has taken over as
master of the house, trying to make decisions better left to intuition or the heart.
This craziness in our heads is the cause of much suffering.
The mind is much like a computer: It can take in data, crunch numbers, and
weigh the pros and cons. The mind is great for the checkbook, but not so great
for making decisions about life, love, and relationships. A checkbook is black or
white, whereas most things heart-related are somewhere in the gray. Most
things in life are in this gray area. Yet the committee in your head, like a
computer, views gray area like an unsolvable puzzle it keeps trying to solve.
So let’s throw out this unwanted master of the house and use the mind as a tool.
You will find this a most difficult task. Our fear is behind the wheel, driving this
crazy committee, and that makes it a tough nut to crack. We are afraid of the
things that have not yet happened but that might bring us pain, suffering, or
some other discomfort. Here lies a sad irony. We want to be happy and at peace
with ourselves, yet the very nature of fear makes us anxious in the present and
not at peace. Nevertheless, the committee continues to fill our head with
thoughts.
Beyond being mindful, you may find these practices worth the effort:
Be willing to not know.
After your mind has weighed the pros and cons of a situation for a short period of
time, let the committee take a lunch break. Most clarity and creativity come from
empty space. All great masterpieces are born of a blank canvas.
Be patient.
It usually takes time for the next indicated step or appropriate choice to be made.
Slowing down is a good way to ensure that important details are not skipped.
Ask and listen.
Most of us are good at asking questions like, “What’s the best thing to do?” But
are we willing to listen for the answer? Listening to God, your inner self, or the
advice of a good friend requires some skill. Focus on listening and you may find
the answer waiting for you.
Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFT
Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco
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- Break the Cycle of Reactional Living (Meditation & Mindfulness)
- The holidays are rife with obligations. As the calendar fills to the brim, you may
start feeling overbooked and overwhelmed. When you get scared or are in a
hurry, your mind tends to speed up. When you speed up you become
disconnected from the present, or disconnected from the way things really are in
any given moment. In this disjointed state, you are merely reacting to life. You
may think you are making choices, but actually you are existing on autopilot.
Reactionary living causes suffering. You tend to say and do things that you regret
later. One way to break the cycle of reactionary living is through the practice of
mindfulness.
Mindfulness is also known as meditation. There are many, many forms of
mindfulness and meditation. One example of mindfulness is to mentally give a
verbal label to each in-breath and out-breath. Each time you breathe in, you think
(e.g.) “rising,” and each time you breathe out, you think “falling.” In this type of
meditation, the breath serves as a tether to the present moment.
"You will notice the mind continually chattering with commentary or judgment. By
noticing this, you have the ability to careful decide whether those thought have
value. Most often, you will see that “thoughts are just thoughts”—the thoughts
themselves have no weight. You become free to release a thought (“let it go”)
when you realize that the thought is not concrete reality. You become free to
make a choice in any given moment."-Thich Nhat Hanh
I’m inviting you to create or reconnect to a practice of mindfulness. Pay attention
to your body when you speed up, breathe, and slow down. Reactional living is no
way to live a happy life. Be gentle and practice well.
Tip: Write down “breathe” on a piece of paper and put it in the places where you
speed up, like your car.
Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFT
Quote by: -Thich Nhat Hanh
Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco
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Be Yourself, Wherever You Go
- Many of us create masks to wear in different parts of our lives, as exemplified in
the saying “wearing many hats.” Have you ever wondered why you feel drained of
energy? Do you notice that with some people you feel really comfortable and with
others it feels like work? Do you find that you play a certain role at work and are a
totally different person at home? If so, this article is for you.
It requires very little energy to be authentic and genuine. When you are
comfortable and relaxed it is easier to be yourself. The inverse is also true:
Being yourself leads to feeling relaxed and comfortable. If you bring more of your
authentic self into the major areas of your life (i.e. work, school, home,
communities, or social situations) you will find great satisfaction and peace.
Why do we change ourselves in different situations?
• You might feel vulnerable or at-risk if you are being yourself.
• Perhaps you feel you will not be liked, that you won’t be good enough or strong
enough to get the job done, or that you might not get your needs met.
• Being yourself may mean letting your guard down, and this doesn’t always feel
safe.
• Taking on a role, or being someone else, even if only slightly, may have given
you a sense of advantage in the past.
• Low self-esteem can lead to feeling like you should be different.
• You may have a story or a “should” about how to be or how to do something.
None of these are easy to change. Although they may not be desirable, they were
created in the past to protect you and can be respected as such.
When you are yourself, you will find things changing.
• Assessing a situation, adjusting your present state of being, and acting in a
way that isn’t authentic require a tremendous amount of energy. You can relax
and get all that energy back!
• When you are not being authentic, you create a story about who you are. This
story needs to be remembered in case you see this person or are in that
situation again. Needing to remember keeps you in a state of stress. Letting all
this go will relax your body and mind, leading to better health.
• You will have permission to acknowledge your true feelings and act
accordingly (i.e. go home, stay, be silent in social situations, or excuse yourself
for the time being).
• If someone doesn’t like who you really are, why would you want that person in
your life? Being genuine will save you weeks, months, or maybe years of wasted
relationships that would inevitably fall apart as your true self surfaces.
• Often, we withhold our darker feelings, fearing a negative judgment. Do you
ever notice that when someone else shares a vulnerable event, you tend to feel
closer to that person? When you withhold your genuine experience no one gets
to know you. Hence, being yourself allows you to have closer connections.
• Your life will become easier! You will enjoy and receive more of the abundance
that life has to offer.
As always, I invite you to be gentle with yourself. Use your curiosity, not your
criticism, to examine your life. If this seems reasonable, then begin in a gradual,
natural way. You may start by just being aware of how you change in different
areas of your life. Make it a fun examination that can lead to making better
choices and eventually the freedom of being you, wherever you go.
Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFT
Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco
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Not Knowing Can Help You
- The great obsession of human beings is to feel like we know what is going on in
our lives and, consequently, feel in control. Not knowing, on the other hand, can
be scary, if not terrifying, for most of us. This unpleasant feeling drives us away
from the empty space of the unknown as we grasp for answers.
Fear of the unknown is an endless cycle of suffering. Why is it endless?
Because not knowing is a natural part of life; hence, it cannot be avoided. Why do
we suffer from not knowing? Because we resist its nature. No matter how smart
or wise we become, we cannot outrun not knowing.
Not knowing is an essential part of moving past challenging experiences and
into the life we truly desire. Bypassing this step can actually impede us from
knowing our next right action.
I support all people in knowing, exploring, and becoming more aware of their
experiences. I only encourage you to be willing to sit still at times, without
knowing the outcome, and listen. All things are born from stillness.
I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.
— T.S. Eliot
Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFT
Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco
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There Is Nothing Wrong With You
- If you have spent a great deal of time and energy trying to improve yourself in
order to make life work yet have been deeply disappointed, this article is for you.
We are taught to believe that there is something inherently wrong with us. We
spend time trying to pinpoint these flaws, and then judge them once they are
found. We hate ourselves for being flawed, and attempt to eradicate our flaws by
punishing ourselves.
Many of us were conditioned as children to believe that we are not inherently
good. Although these words may not have been said to us directly, we got the
message every time we heard things like, “You shouldn’t have done that,” “You
should have done this,” or “You should be ashamed of yourself!”
It is these shaming messages that support the creation of our internal
committee. Almost everyone has their own internal committee—you know, it’s
that constant communal chatter in your head that judges you harshly, reminds
you of the negatives about yourself and others, and basically drives you crazy
whenever you’re trying to make a change in your life!
The perspective that holds one’s innate Being as perfect, unflawed, and
intrinsically good proves worthwhile in supporting a path of personal growth. The
belief that all Beings are inherently good, a traditional Buddhist tenet, has
provided fertile ground for various transformative practices. If believing that there
is nothing wrong with you seems like too big a pill to swallow right now, you are
not alone.
Start by examining your experience simply as it is, and not as you believe it to be.
Keep in mind that being “inherently good” does not preclude you from
undergoing difficult times. Feeling lost, scared, or regretful in response to the
myriad of challenges we face in our relationships is just a part of the human
experience, not proof of the wrongness in you. There is nothing wrong with you.
Life is just full of experiences, both pleasant and hard. They arise and pass over
the arc of time.
Here are some suggestions to explore:
• Start observing. Listen to your “internal committee.”
• Stay aware. Notice the negative criticism, paying special attention to shoulds.
• Start asking questions. How old is this negative dialogue? Is it possible that
this is a story I was told long ago? How did these stories start?
• Be gentle. Take care not to beat yourself up for having these negative stories.
• Challenge yourself. When negative thoughts come up, begin asking, “Is this a
story about me?” Always challenge yourself with honest, open curiosity.
• Get support. As your practice unfolds you will begin to separate the old stories
from your true experience. Breaking out of our old stories can be hard work when
done by ourselves. Don’t be afraid to seek help from a therapist or a trusted
mentor or guide.
Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFT
Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco
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What Do I Want?
- Asking yourself what you want to do in every little moment is not as simple as it
sounds. Fear of hurting someone, causing uncomfortable conflict, or not having
your needs met are all ways in which we stop ourselves from asking what we
truly want.
Socialization has taught us that asking for what we want is selfish and bad. This
is an old story often used to stifle our ability to live freely. We are beings who
desire and have needs. The question “What do I want?” is about taking care of
ourselves in every moment and, in the process, respecting ourselves and others.
I believe that deep down we are all aching for the truth from one another. Think
about the times a friend or family member has asked you for something and you
were aware that you didn’t want to do it. If you do it anyway, you may experience
resistance or resentment, which becomes apparent to both sides. Both people
lose. If you don’t say no, and just give an excuse for your absence, you may
experience sadness around the inauthenticity in your relationship. Just saying
no, although initially disappointing for some, is what both people want. Taking
care of yourself by being honest builds trust in a relationship. Taking care of
yourself gives permission to the other person to do the same with you. Hence,
when we actually are available to each other, it is a gift.
If this practice feels too scary at first, just start by asking yourself the question. Be
curious about the ways you stop yourself from asking for what you want. Asking
this question will start the process of coming back to yourself. There is enough
in this world for you. There is enough for all of us to be happy and fulfilled.
Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFT
Counseling & Psychotherapy in San FranciscO
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Basic Assertive Rights
- 1) The right to act in ways that promote your dignity and self-respect, as long as
others’ rights are not violated in the process. You have the right to decide your
values and lifestyles so long as you don’t violate the rights of others.
2) The right to be treated with respect. You have the right to be treated
courteously by salespeople, parents, employers, and doctors; more generally,
you have the right to be treated as a capable human being and not to be
patronized. This does not mean deference, the unquestioning approval of your
actions, or automatic compliance with your wants.
3) The right to say no and not feel guilty. Constantly placing what you want below
the wants of other people is self-defeating. Many people have trouble saying “no”
because they feel they should be “unselfish,” which really means, “unless I think
of others first and give until I hurt, I’m being selfish.” A healthy, reasonable
person realizes that:
• It is not healthy to hurt yourself.
• Caring for others does not require caring less for yourself.
• You have a personal responsibility to value yourself as much as you value
others.
• Your wants do not have less value than other people’s simply because of who
you are (a parent, student, employee) or what you have (less power, less
experience).
• You are not an open system with limitless energy and capacity to fulfill other
people’s desires.
4) The right to experience and express your feelings. Our feelings are a natural
part of being human. It is more logical to accept the human right to experience
our true feelings than to feel guilty about them. Conversely, understanding and
accepting other people doesn’t mean passively accepting their abusive
behavior, especially when it has tangible negative effects on us.
5) The right to take time to slow down and think. Many people believe they will
never get what they want unless they hurry up and make a decision. Hurrying a
decision does not automatically lead to getting things accomplished any more
effectively (you’re actually more likely to make a mistake).
6) The right to change your mind. Changing your mind on the basis of new
information shows flexibility. Refusing to change your mind when it is realistic to
do so shows rigidity and stubbornness rather than true strength. Sometimes,
however, changing your mind is not appropriate (e.g., you agree to do a job for a
specific sum and after completing it, decide it was worth more and changing
your original quote).
7) The right to ask for what you want. When we don’t assertively ask for what we
want, we may consciously or unconsciously resort to trying to get what we want
in devious ways that are likely to cause bad feelings and damage relationships.
Asking for what we want gives the other person permission to clearly and directly
ask for what she/he wants too. Neither person has to second-guess what the
other person wants.
8) The right to do less than you are humanly capable of doing. You have the right
to give less than 100% all the time. You have a perfect right to waste your own
time, to know what you want, and to ask for help even if you don’t need it but just
for the fun of having other people help you with unpleasant tasks. You have the
right to organize your work so that you can maximize your enjoyment, and you
have the right to do less than your best. (Lots of things aren’t really worth doing
our best at, and you are probably better off—and not less of a person—for having
recognized this).
9) The right to ask for information. You have the right to get a second opinion, to
have inadequate work redone at no extra charge, to ask for references, to get
what you paid for, and to say “I don’t understand.” Getting answers to your
questions is a way of building trust in a person whose services you may use.
10) The right to make mistakes. No one has made it through life mistake-free. It
is
impossible to avoid making at least a few mistakes, since it is impossible to be
perfect and know everything. It is your responsibility to accept the consequences
of your mistakes and to rectify your errors.
11) The right to feel good about yourself. Many people have difficulty giving
themselves this right because they have been taught to believe they must be
modest or humble. Being modest or humble does not mean humiliating yourself.
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