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You Are Responsible for Your Own Happiness
change, believing that’s what you need in order to be happy. It is true that others impact how you feel. However, when you base your happiness on someone else’s ability to change, you may be giving up the power to change your own life. There is nothing inherently wrong with waiting or wanting someone to change. Just remember: You are ultimately responsible for our own happiness or unhappiness—so it makes no sense to blame your unhappiness on others or expect others to make you happy. If your happiness hinges on someone else, start by considering changes that you can affect. Remind yourself that you have a choice in how you live day-to-day. You alone are responsible for your happiness. Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFTI Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco http://sftherapy.org/ _________________________________________________________________ Breaking Down the Cycle of Self-hate (Gentleness/Acceptance)
time trying to pinpoint our flaws. We hate ourselves for being flawed, and attempt to eradicate our shortcomings by punishing ourselves. We act out this self-hate with a plethora of defeating behaviors which include, drugs, alcohol, over- or undereating, watching too much TV, proclaiming our flaws to those around us, or turning our backs on love. This self-defeating behavior fuels the fire, giving us further reason to dislike ourselves. The cycle of self-hate is cause for much suffering. When we believe we are flawed, we act out in self-defeating behavior, thereby reinforcing our flawed nature, and the cycle continues. This cycle needs to stop if we are to be happy and free. In past articles I have explored some of the origins of our negative beliefs. Although knowing who has fed us these lies about our nature may be important, it is not essential for changing our life. If we are willing to challenge our core beliefs, let’s start with an intention. Are you willing to consider the possibility that your essential nature is good and unflawed? This doesn’t mean you have to believe it now; just consider the possibility. Keep in mind that being inherently good does not preclude us from undergoing difficult times. Feeling lost or scared and reacting unfavorably to difficult situations are just a part of the human experience, not proof of wrongness in us. There is nothing wrong with us. Life is simply full of experiences, both pleasant and hard. We may amend any harm we have done, remember our intention to be kind, and practice. There is no perfection, only practice. For those of us willing to consider the possibility, here are some suggestions: • Practice gentleness. Have compassion for yourself and others as you get caught up in the cycle of self-hate. Be gentle with yourself even when you act out in self-defeating ways. Know that you are suffering and need healing, not criticism. • Find a teacher or mentor who can mirror your innate goodness to you. • Challenge your beliefs by examining your experience as it is, and not as you believe it to be. • Accept yourself as you are now rather than focusing on who you think you should be. Healing is a process and happens over time. • Foster the relationships and communities that support you and be willing to let go of the ones that don’t Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFTI Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco http://sftherapy.org/ __________________________________________________________________ That Crazy Committee in My Head (The Nature of Mind)
endless. That crazy committee in our head is getting together for our benefit, but in the end it brings us more suffering than clarity. The mind is an incredible tool. You can balance a checkbook, figure out distance on a map, or pull apart today’s most abstract political issue. Yet this tool has taken over as master of the house, trying to make decisions better left to intuition or the heart. This craziness in our heads is the cause of much suffering. The mind is much like a computer: It can take in data, crunch numbers, and weigh the pros and cons. The mind is great for the checkbook, but not so great for making decisions about life, love, and relationships. A checkbook is black or white, whereas most things heart- related are somewhere in the gray. Most things in life are in this gray area. Yet the committee in your head, like a computer, views gray area like an unsolvable puzzle it keeps trying to solve. So let’s throw out this unwanted master of the house and use the mind as a tool. You will find this a most difficult task. Our fear is behind the wheel, driving this crazy committee, and that makes it a tough nut to crack. We are afraid of the things that have not yet happened but that might bring us pain, suffering, or some other discomfort. Here lies a sad irony. We want to be happy and at peace with ourselves, yet the very nature of fear makes us anxious in the present and not at peace. Nevertheless, the committee continues to fill our head with thoughts. Beyond being mindful, you may find these practices worth the effort: Be willing to not know. After your mind has weighed the pros and cons of a situation for a short period of time, let the committee take a lunch break. Most clarity and creativity come from empty space. All great masterpieces are born of a blank canvas. Be patient. It usually takes time for the next indicated step or appropriate choice to be made. Slowing down is a good way to ensure that important details are not skipped. Ask and listen. Most of us are good at asking questions like, “What’s the best thing to do?” But are we willing to listen for the answer? Listening to God, your inner self, or the advice of a good friend requires some skill. Focus on listening and you may find the answer waiting for you. Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFTI Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco http://sftherapy.org/ Break the Cycle of Reactional Living (Meditation & Mindfulness)
feeling overbooked and overwhelmed. When you get scared or are in a hurry, your mind tends to speed up. When you speed up you become disconnected from the present, or disconnected from the way things really are in any given moment. In this disjointed state, you are merely reacting to life. You may think you are making choices, but actually you are existing on autopilot. Reactionary living causes suffering. You tend to say and do things that you regret later. One way to break the cycle of reactionary living is through the practice of mindfulness. Mindfulness is also known as meditation. There are many, many forms of mindfulness and meditation. One example of mindfulness is to mentally give a verbal label to each in-breath and out-breath. Each time you breathe in, you think (e.g.) “rising,” and each time you breathe out, you think “falling.” In this type of meditation, the breath serves as a tether to the present moment. You will notice the mind continually chattering with commentary or judgment. By noticing this, you have the ability to careful decide whether those thought have value. Most often, you will see that “thoughts are just thoughts”—the thoughts themselves have no weight. You become free to release a thought (“let it go”) when you realize that the thought is not concrete reality. You become free to make a choice in any given moment. I’m inviting you to create or reconnect to a practice of mindfulness. Pay attention to your body when you speed up, breathe, and slow down. Reactional living is no way to live a happy life. Be gentle and practice well. Tip: Write down “breathe” on a piece of paper and put it in the places where you speed up, like your car. Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFTI Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco http://sftherapy.org/ Be Yourself, Wherever You Go
“wearing many hats.” Have you ever wondered why you feel drained of energy? Do you notice that with some people you feel really comfortable and with others it feels like work? Do you find that you play a certain role at work and are a totally different person at home? If so, this article is for you. It requires very little energy to be authentic and genuine. When you are comfortable and relaxed it is easier to be yourself. The inverse is also true: Being yourself leads to feeling relaxed and comfortable. If you bring more of your authentic self into the major areas of your life (i.e. work, school, home, communities, or social situations) you will find great satisfaction and peace. Why do we change ourselves in different situations? • You might feel vulnerable or at-risk if you are being yourself. • Perhaps you feel you will not be liked, that you won’t be good enough or strong enough to get the job done, or that you might not get your needs met. • Being yourself may mean letting your guard down, and this doesn’t always feel safe. • Taking on a role, or being someone else, even if only slightly, may have given you a sense of advantage in the past. • Low self-esteem can lead to feeling like you should be different. • You may have a story or a “should” about how to be or how to do something. None of these are easy to change. Although they may not be desirable, they were created in the past to protect you and can be respected as such. When you are yourself, you will find things changing. • Assessing a situation, adjusting your present state of being, and acting in a way that isn’t authentic require a tremendous amount of energy. You can relax and get all that energy back! • When you are not being authentic, you create a story about who you are. This story needs to be remembered in case you see this person or are in that situation again. Needing to remember keeps you in a state of stress. Letting all this go will relax your body and mind, leading to better health. • You will have permission to acknowledge your true feelings and act accordingly (i.e. go home, stay, be silent in social situations, or excuse yourself for the time being). • If someone doesn’t like who you really are, why would you want that person in your life? Being genuine will save you weeks, months, or maybe years of wasted relationships that would inevitably fall apart as your true self surfaces. • Often, we withhold our darker feelings, fearing a negative judgment. Do you ever notice that when someone else shares a vulnerable event, you tend to feel closer to that person? When you withhold your genuine experience no one gets to know you. Hence, being yourself allows you to have closer connections. • Your life will become easier! You will enjoy and receive more of the abundance that life has to offer. As always, I invite you to be gentle with yourself. Use your curiosity, not your criticism, to examine your life. If this seems reasonable, then begin in a gradual, natural way. You may start by just being aware of how you change in different areas of your life. Make it a fun examination that can lead to making better choices and eventually the freedom of being you, wherever you go. Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFTI Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco http://sftherapy.org/ ________________________________________________________________ Not Knowing Can Help You
and, consequently, feel in control. Not knowing, on the other hand, can be scary, if not terrifying, for most of us. This unpleasant feeling drives us away from the empty space of the unknown as we grasp for answers. Fear of the unknown is an endless cycle of suffering. Why is it endless? Because not knowing is a natural part of life; hence, it cannot be avoided. Why do we suffer from not knowing? Because we resist its nature. No matter how smart or wise we become, we cannot outrun not knowing. Not knowing is an essential part of moving past challenging experiences and into the life we truly desire. Bypassing this step can actually impede us from knowing our next right action. I support all people in knowing, exploring, and becoming more aware of their experiences. I only encourage you to be willing to sit still at times, without knowing the outcome, and listen. All things are born from stillness. I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing. — T.S. Eliot Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFTI Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco http://sftherapy.org/ ________________________________________________________________ There Is Nothing Wrong With You
make life work yet have been deeply disappointed, this article is for you. We are taught to believe that there is something inherently wrong with us. We spend time trying to pinpoint these flaws, and then judge them once they are found. We hate ourselves for being flawed, and attempt to eradicate our flaws by punishing ourselves. Many of us were conditioned as children to believe that we are not inherently good. Although these words may not have been said to us directly, we got the message every time we heard things like, “You shouldn’t have done that,” “You should have done this,” or “You should be ashamed of yourself!” It is these shaming messages that support the creation of our internal committee. Almost everyone has their own internal committee—you know, it’s that constant communal chatter in your head that judges you harshly, reminds you of the negatives about yourself and others, and basically drives you crazy whenever you’re trying to make a change in your life! The perspective that holds one’s innate Being as perfect, unflawed, and intrinsically good proves worthwhile in supporting a path of personal growth. The belief that all Beings are inherently good, a traditional Buddhist tenet, has provided fertile ground for various transformative practices. If believing that there is nothing wrong with you seems like too big a pill to swallow right now, you are not alone. Start by examining your experience simply as it is, and not as you believe it to be. Keep in mind that being “inherently good” does not preclude you from undergoing difficult times. Feeling lost, scared, or regretful in response to the myriad of challenges we face in our relationships is just a part of the human experience, not proof of the wrongness in you. There is nothing wrong with you. Life is just full of experiences, both pleasant and hard. They arise and pass over the arc of time. Here are some suggestions to explore: • Start observing. Listen to your “internal committee.” • Stay aware. Notice the negative criticism, paying special attention to shoulds. • Start asking questions. How old is this negative dialogue? Is it possible that this is a story I was told long ago? How did these stories start? • Be gentle. Take care not to beat yourself up for having these negative stories. • Challenge yourself. When negative thoughts come up, begin asking, “Is this a story about me?” Always challenge yourself with honest, open curiosity. • Get support. As your practice unfolds you will begin to separate the old stories from your true experience. Breaking out of our old stories can be hard work when done by ourselves. Don’t be afraid to seek help from a therapist or a trusted mentor or guide. Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFTI Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco http://sftherapy.org/ ________________________________________________________________ What Do I Want?
Fear of hurting someone, causing uncomfortable conflict, or not having your needs met are all ways in which we stop ourselves from asking what we truly want. Socialization has taught us that asking for what we want is selfish and bad. This is an old story often used to stifle our ability to live freely. We are beings who desire and have needs. The question “What do I want?” is about taking care of ourselves in every moment and, in the process, respecting ourselves and others. I believe that deep down we are all aching for the truth from one another. Think about the times a friend or family member has asked you for something and you were aware that you didn’t want to do it. If you do it anyway, you may experience resistance or resentment, which becomes apparent to both sides. Both people lose. If you don’t say no, and just give an excuse for your absence, you may experience sadness around the inauthenticity in your relationship. Just saying no, although initially disappointing for some, is what both people want. Taking care of yourself by being honest builds trust in a relationship. Taking care of yourself gives permission to the other person to do the same with you. Hence, when we actually are available to each other, it is a gift. If this practice feels too scary at first, just start by asking yourself the question. Be curious about the ways you stop yourself from asking for what you want. Asking this question will start the process of coming back to yourself. There is enough in this world for you. There is enough for all of us to be happy and fulfilled. Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFTI Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco http://sftherapy.org/ Basic Assertive Rights
rights are not violated in the process. You have the right to decide your values and lifestyles so long as you don’t violate the rights of others. 2) The right to be treated with respect. You have the right to be treated courteously by salespeople, parents, employers, and doctors; more generally, you have the right to be treated as a capable human being and not to be patronized. This does not mean deference, the unquestioning approval of your actions, or automatic compliance with your wants. 3) The right to say no and not feel guilty. Constantly placing what you want below the wants of other people is self-defeating. Many people have trouble saying “no” because they feel they should be “unselfish,” which really means, “unless I think of others first and give until I hurt, I’m being selfish.” A healthy, reasonable person realizes that: • It is not healthy to hurt yourself. • Caring for others does not require caring less for yourself. • You have a personal responsibility to value yourself as much as you value others. • Your wants do not have less value than other people’s simply because of who you are (a parent, student, employee) or what you have (less power, less experience). • You are not an open system with limitless energy and capacity to fulfill other people’s desires. 4) The right to experience and express your feelings. Our feelings are a natural part of being human. It is more logical to accept the human right to experience our true feelings than to feel guilty about them. Conversely, understanding and accepting other people doesn’t mean passively accepting their abusive behavior, especially when it has tangible negative effects on us. 5) The right to take time to slow down and think. Many people believe they will never get what they want unless they hurry up and make a decision. Hurrying a decision does not automatically lead to getting things accomplished any more effectively (you’re actually more likely to make a mistake). 6) The right to change your mind. Changing your mind on the basis of new information shows flexibility. Refusing to change your mind when it is realistic to do so shows rigidity and stubbornness rather than true strength. Sometimes, however, changing your mind is not appropriate (e.g., you agree to do a job for a specific sum and after completing it, decide it was worth more and changing your original quote). 7) The right to ask for what you want. When we don’t assertively ask for what we want, we may consciously or unconsciously resort to trying to get what we want in devious ways that are likely to cause bad feelings and damage relationships. Asking for what we want gives the other person permission to clearly and directly ask for what she/he wants too. Neither person has to second-guess what the other person wants. 8) The right to do less than you are humanly capable of doing. You have the right to give less than 100% all the time. You have a perfect right to waste your own time, to know what you want, and to ask for help even if you don’t need it but just for the fun of having other people help you with unpleasant tasks. You have the right to organize your work so that you can maximize your enjoyment, and you have the right to do less than your best. (Lots of things aren’t really worth doing our best at, and you are probably better off—and not less of a person—for having recognized this). 9) The right to ask for information. You have the right to get a second opinion, to have inadequate work redone at no extra charge, to ask for references, to get what you paid for, and to say “I don’t understand.” Getting answers to your questions is a way of building trust in a person whose services you may use. 10) The right to make mistakes. No one has made it through life mistake-free. It is impossible to avoid making at least a few mistakes, since it is impossible to be perfect and know everything. It is your responsibility to accept the consequences of your mistakes and to rectify your errors. 11) The right to feel good about yourself. Many people have difficulty giving themselves this right because they have been taught to believe they must be modest or humble. Being modest or humble does not mean humiliating yourself. _______________________________________________________________ |
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