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- Love and Relationships
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- Vows for Intentional Relationships
Having clear intentions is vital for a healthy relationship. Although vows are
usually exclusive to union ceremonies, a new, growing breed of conscious
people is creating and practicing these vows at any stage of a relationship. If you
are currently in a relationship sit down with your partner and re-examine what
you want from each other. For those of you who are looking for that special
person, use these vows to help crystallize what kind of relationship you want.
The vows below are created from observing relationship successes and
challenges in my work as a therapist. I hope this list will inspire you to create
relationship vows that are nourishing and fulfilling.
~I vow to enrich my personal life with enjoyable activities outside of the
relationship and use this nourishment to deepen our connection.
~I vow to always be respectful to you. If I feel I cannot uphold this, I vow to walk
away until I can be respectful.
~I vow to stand by you when I see your life getting hard.
~I vow to create and protect quality time for us to spend together every week.*
~I vow to encourage and inspire you to find and fulfill your life’s work.
~I vow to respect your need for outside friendship and support.
~I vow to let go of my need to be right.*
~I vow to share my deep, innermost thoughts and fears with you, exposing all
and holding
nothing back, so that you may know who I truly am.
~I vow to share my appreciation for the little things you do that give our
relationship great meaning.
~I vow to tell you when I’m scared, choosing vulnerability over anger.
~I vow to ask for your support when I’m in need of help, and I vow to
acknowledge the reality that you cannot read my mind…EVER.
~I vow to not take our companionship for granted as the long years roll by.
~I vow to be appreciative, open, and curious about our sexual connection. I vow
to regularly discuss our sex life, whether it be fantastic, boring, physically painful,
or nonexistent.*
~I vow to be present with you when you want my attention, and when I cannot be
present, I vow to tell you this.
~I vow to clearly and respectfully communicate when I’ve had a hard day and
want time alone. I vow to use this time to take care of myself so that I do not take
my daily stresses out on you.
~I vow to be honest in all my affairs with you, even when it is difficult for me to do
so.
~I vow to return to my original vows when I fall short in my intentions.*
* I find these vows powerfully effective in building strong , loving, changing, “we’
ve come a long way, baby” relationships.
Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFT
Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco
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Losing Yourself in a Relationship
- For most of us, the relationship ideal is to be in love, merge with, and dedicate
oneself to another. A common vow which exemplifies this notion is “to be as
one.” In this oneness many of us slowly lose ourselves, sacrificing our wants
and desires to our partnership. I’m not writing this article to shoot down anyone’
s idea of the ideal relationship; I’m simply hoping to bring some balance to our
values and make that ideal relationship more obtainable . By maintaining our
own desires, friends, interests, and sense of self, we nourish both ourselves
and our partner.
Nature teaches us this truth. Look at any system that ceases to receive
nourishment: it wastes and withers away. We as people work in the same way.
When our social, mental, and emotional needs are fed by the world around us,
we are happier; we are whole. Being permeable, we have a capacity to give and
take, which allows us to accommodate and include the other person in our new
relationship. Yet one person alone is just not enough to give us the nourishment
we need.
We often get elated during the honeymoon phase of a relationship. It may even
be natural to spend most of your time with someone you have just met. Where
most of us fall short is not seeing the importance of and reclaiming our personal
life. Here are some of the most common reasons:
* Desire to merge, enmesh, and be as one, which is internalized from movies,
books, and childhood fantasies
* Fear that you will lose your partner’s interest if you don’t give them what you
think they want
* Perception of outside interests as a threat to the relationship, either through
lost time or the chance of meeting someone better
* Fear that if you go out on a Saturday with your friend, your partner may be
alone and upset
* Fear of being alone and not in a relationship, which leads you to hold on too
tightly
* Lack of trust: if you don’t make plans and do things outside the relationship,
you’ll have a right to ask your partner to do the same
* Perception that, after your initial excitement, any reversion to your original
lifestyle and outside activities indicates you’re not that into them anymore
To maintain balance you need to be mindful of your unique patterns of losing
yourself. If you tend to spend five nights a week together in the beginning of a
relationship, try reducing the nights. If you are already in a long-term relationship,
re-examine your needs and desires and re-establish the things that nourish you.
Although you don’t have to, it can often be helpful to include your partner in this
decision-making process. It can be a sign that you are healthy and wanting to
take care of yourself, which gives permission to the other to do the same. If your
partner finds your desire for healthy boundaries threatening, you may need to
hold firm. Although initially, someone may feel threatened, over time, if you are
still loving and attentive to them, they may begin to see that you are happier for it
and not going anywhere. This is the balance that feeds the both of you.
Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFT
Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco
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Codependency Redefined
There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. In the past,
the word codependency was overused, becoming a definition for a person who
is weak, passive, and needy in relationships. To the contrary codependent
behavior is an attempt to manage your environment and relationships in order to
feel safe and in control. Codependency is a general term; it represents an entire
range of feelings, beliefs and behaviors.
The main characteristic is a big focus on another person. This is usually your
spouse, significant other. You might be saying, “What is the big deal about
focusing on the one you love?” Nothing is wrong with giving your attention, time
and love to someone else. However, this behavior becomes unhealthy when you
forgo your own needs and desires in the relationship. Relationships are give
and take, so when you give and give without receiving, you are setting yourself up
for unhappiness.
Typically, a codependent comes from a family that did not meet their emotional
needs met. Codependence is a life strategy designed to find the love we need in
unsafe, difficult, or unavailable relationships.
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependency
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.
If you identify with these characteristics please explore the resources provided
below.
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of
others.
Low Self-esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never “good enough.”
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
Compliance Patterns:
I have difficulty saying "no".
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in unhealthy situations too long.
I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and I rarely express
differing opinions and feelings.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
I withhold my feelings and thoughts in order to navigate a difficult situation
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.
Here are the steps for recovery:
Go for help. A reputable therapist or recovery group is a very important tool here,
because others can help you see your own codependent behavior and attitudes
in ways you may not see yourself. Codependents Anonymous (CODA) is a free
group which meets in many places around the country. Find a meeting here.
(Click Here)
Make recovery a first priority. Codependency is insidious; you may recognize
yourself in the symptoms, then deny their importance, or deny that they apply to
you after all. You may decide to change and then time after time, find yourself
doing the same old things. Making recovery a first priority means outlining your
destructive behaviors, finding alternative behaviors, and then implementing
them! It means seeking support, challenging yourself, talking with others about
changing, and then changing!
Stop managing and controlling others. This is a big challenge, but an important
one. Here, you stop telling others what to do, how to live, what is wrong or right
with them. You stop intervening, helping, advising, trying to make things better,
trying to fix it, and trying to force a solution. You simply stop. You allow this other
person to make his or her own decisions; for right or for wrong, you let them live
their own life. This means they take responsibility for their own mistakes, their
future, their unhappiness, their issues, and their own growth.
Read some books. Melodie Beattie and Pia Mellody are two of my favorite
authors in the field. I have book suggestions on my website.
Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFT
Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco
The pattern list in this article is from, The Recovery Patterns of Codependency.
Website www.CoDA.org. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men
and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships and is
not affiliated with any other 12 step program.
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Most of us walk around with beliefs or "stories" about what other people think of
us. A story is an assumption about what someone else thinks or feels about you
that you don’t actually know to be true. “He doesn’t like me,” “She is angry at me,”
or “He doesn’t think I’m good enough” are all examples of negative stories.
These stories are carried around for days, weeks, and even years, causing pain
and suffering in our lives.
Reflect upon your relationship with a lover, friend, or family member. Do you have
a negative story about how someone thinks or feels about you? How do you
know it is true? Have you ever asked that person if it is true? If that person was
indeed angry at you, how do you know they still feel that way? Often, we use
information gained through reading other people’s behavior or indirect
comments to support our negative stories.
Negative stories can be dispelled by opening up a dialogue with the other
person. This direct approach takes a lot of courage and can be difficult at first.
Many find that they are very attached to their story. In the end, you might find relief
in knowing that your story was in fact only make-believe and that the other
person doesn’t feel that way at all. On the other hand, if you learn from the other
person that your stories are true, you now have the opportunity to work things out.
Either way you are working towards easing the weight of these negative
assumptions and beliefs.
The practice outlined in this newsletter is about creating honest relationships.
Albeit difficult at first, your direct approach invites others to be direct with you.
Some people will appreciate this honest intent in your relationship and grow with
you. Others may not be ready. The question is, “How do you want to live your life?”
Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFT
Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco
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How to Communicate What’s Hard to Say…in 5 Sentences or
Less!
These step-by-step instructions work great for relationships that are hard-
pressed with issues that keep coming back. Perhaps you are unhappy with a
certain relationship dynamic you have with a family member, friend, or coworker.
You may find yourself bitter, angry, or defensive, and once again locked into old
patterns of destructive behavior.
Life is precious. There is no need for you to continue suffering. Communicate
clearly and take yourself out of that loop!
The foundation for this practice is to take responsibility for your peace and
happiness by asking for what you want and, if necessary, removing yourself from
the unpleasant situation. Telling the other person what is going on with you
gives them the opportunity to change.
Some things to consider before you begin:
* Get clear before you communicate. Writing down your thoughts is a powerful
way for you to get clear.
* Avoid adding hooks. A hook is something that is meant to hurt, pull, or
manipulate the other person. Hooks will dilute your truth.
* Refrain from being reactionary. This might feel awkward and mechanical at
first because you are breaking out of unconscious, reactionary patterns of
communication.
* Choose appropriate format: person-to-person or a letter? Talking face-to-
face is the preferred method. If you feel unsafe, you can communicate over the
phone. If you sense your patterns are really severe, I suggest you write a letter.
* Use a second pair of eyes. It is hard to see our own stuff. Have someone
review what you have written, and then get feedback.
5 steps to communicating hard-to-say issues:
Step 1: Tell the listener why you want to talk with them. (Be respectful of their
time.)
Example: “Our relationship is important to me and something has come up that I
want to talk about. Do you have time to talk?”
Step 2: Describe the behavior that affects you.
Example: “When we talk on the phone and you tell me what other people say
about me…”
Step 3: Tell the person how you feel about that behavior.
Example: “When we…and you tell me…I feel unsafe, scared, and confused.”
Step 4: Ask for what you want.
Example: “I want you to not include any information regarding other people’s
feelings about me in our conversations.”
Step 5: Invite change.
Example: “How can you support me in what I am asking?
Example: “I feel that this will bring us closer; will you support me?”
Step 6 [Optional]: Take care of yourself by developing healthy boundaries.
(Serious patterns may need this extra step).
Example: “When you are not able to do this, I am going to take responsibility for
myself by ending the conversation (i.e. getting off the phone or simply walking
away) until we can talk again later.”
Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFT
Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco
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Create the Relationships You Want Without Relying on "the
Other" to Change.
Do you want something to change in your relationship and find yourself waiting,
wanting, and resentful toward your partner, friend or lover? You might find
yourself quietly brooding over an issue or even actively fighting this person while
waiting for them to change. The intention of this article is to help you ask for what
you want, invite support, and with or without that support, begin creating the life
you want.
Here are some suggestions for creating change:
1. Get clear with yourself about what you want.
* Stick to what you want for yourself, not what you want for "the other."
* Keep it simple and keep in perspective what you really want.
For example:
*I want more quality time in our relationship vs. I want you to stop watching TV
when we're together.
*I want more family time together in the evenings vs. I want my partner to not
work so late.
*I want to create a team effort in carpooling the kids to school vs. I want you to
step up carpooling.
2. Ask for what you want.
* Choose a good time to talk. (i.e. not right after work)
* Ask the other, “Do you have about 10-15 minutes to sit down and talk with
me?”
* Allow yourself to be vulnerable.
3. Don’t explain, justify and defend, or argue over your wants.
* If "the other" gets upset and argues, do not engage. It is in your power not to
argue. You can listen without defending your request. This may be a difficult
practice, depending on how long you have known the person.
* Be mindful of built-up emotions that may emerge.
* Be both gentle and persistent with yourself.
4. If you find disagreement or resistance, ask, “How can you support me in this?”
* Often we ask “Why can’t you help me?” Instead of asking why, ask how.
* Asking how empowers and invites the other to find a way to help you. Most
likely your relationship began with an intention to support one another: hence,
asking how one might provide support brings the other back to this original
intention.
5. Be willing to walk away if there is a standstill.
* Don’t be afraid to disengage and walk away if you continue to be met with
resistance. The intention in this practice is to be clear, ask for what you want,
and invite openness for change. If you have said all that you wanted to, and said
it in a good way, trust that a seed has been planted, regardless of immediate
outcome.
6. Find ways to create the change you want, with or without support.
* Remember, you want change in your life. You are doing this in order to be
happier and more fulfilled, so you must be responsible for your own happiness!
* If you’re still feeling resentful at the lack of support while attempting to create
the change on your own, stop. Wait until you can attempt the desired change in
better spirits.
* Of course there will be some limits to what you can do on your own.
Decisions that involve shared assets, such as finances, will need to be put on
hold.
Some examples of creating change on your own…
* I want more quality time in our relationship. Create the quality time in your life
and invite your partner to share in it.
*I want more family time together. Create more time to spend with your family,
invite your partner to join you.
I hope you find these steps helpful. If what you have been doing isn’t working, I
suggest you try something different. Remember: It is normal to feel awkward and
stiff when working on new habits. Even though this article is about taking care of
your needs, do not be surprised if your partner changes all on their own. Rather
than pushing and fighting, inviting your partner to support you creates, over time,
more openness to the possibility of change.
Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFT
Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco
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- 4 Ways to stop Fighting
Fighting with another person is a difficult and painful experience. You probably
have that special someone who you always seem to get heated up around.
Fights are often with the people we love. There is a way out of all this fighting,
and it does not require the other person to change. This is good news, since
waiting for another to change may leave you waiting a long time.
Often in relationships we feel threatened. Fighting is one way we can feel more
powerful. In the end, this exchange leaves most of us feeling drained and
damaged. Here are some suggestions to help to ease your suffering:
1. Don’t ask why. "Why" is a word that often elicits defensiveness and arguing.
2. Use "and" instead of "but" in any conversation. "And" is inclusive, which allows
for more possibilities. But is negating, which tends to limit possibilities.
3. If you want to express your dislike, try the following.
When you ___________ (what the behavior is) I feel _______ (state your feeling).
Saying it this way focuses on the behavior and the not the person as a whole. It
also includes your feelings, which make you vulnerable. Showing vulnerability
can really help someone trust your intentions and move into peaceful
communication.
4. Let go of being right. Being right is a losing battle. Every man/woman is
king/queen of their experience. It’s YOUR EXPERIENCE. Honor the standstill
and walk away. What seems important one day is not so important the next. Ask
yourself, is being right worth all this suffering?
Be gentle with yourself if you decide to practice some of these suggestions. I’m
always open to feedback if you wish to share any experience you have with these
practices.
Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFT
Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco
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- Powerlessness and the Need to be Right
I’ve heard it said that every man is the king of his “right” and every women the
queen of her “right.” In couples counseling, the need to be right is one of the
most commonly reported sources of suffering. Many times the underlying current
of being right stems from feelings of powerlessness in the relationship.
Sacrificing oneself in a relationship can lead to the desire to win mini battles
over the littlest of things. I suggest making an agreement that you stop. Even
though the suggestion is simple it can be hard to practice. A good practice starts
with an intention and is followed by awareness in your day-to-day life about the
futility of needing right.
If you are interested in working on deeper sources of this pattern in your life, find
a good couples counselor and tell him/her what you want to work on.
Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFT
Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco
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