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Maintaining close friendships is an important part of life, no matter what stage you are in. As children we make friends almost instantaneously and with everyone around us. That uninhibited drive to meet our peers often wanes as we get older and life gets busier. While children are free to devote their weekends and summers to play dates, adults have more pressing matters – work, spouses, kids, pets, aging parents, and a seemingly endless array of tasks to complete. Often, maintaining friendships does not top our list of priorities, and untended relationships fall by the wayside. The motivation to reach out and create new friendships as an adult may stem from several areas. You may be new to a city, have recently ended a long-term relationship, or have been so focused on your long-term love relationship that you have neglected and lost friendships. Whatever your motivation, here are several suggestions to get you started: Be consistent in your efforts. Keep in mind, perseverance is paramount when it comes to meeting new people. So don’t get discouraged when your first or second attempt does not produce desired results. Get through the resistance. All your concerns about being lovable or likeable are bound to come up. It’s shocking how strongly those old high school social fears arise once we put yourselves in the position of being vulnerable to new people. Pushing through the resistance is important, and if it feels unbearable, seek professional support to help you get through it. Be vulnerable and transparent. If you watch young kids play, you will see just how vulnerable they allow themselves to be. Showing how you feel and saying what you want and don’t want are very important. It allows others to get to know you, and by doing so, it puts you on the path to deep and meaningful connections. Join a club or volunteer. I’ve heard people say, “Where else can I meet people other than work, bars, or churches?” Immersing yourself in a group activity you enjoy is an ideal way to meet like-minded people. What is an interest of yours that you have always wanted to pursue but haven’t yet? You could join your neighborhood walking club, volunteer at a local animal shelter, or take part in a workshop. Here are some places to start looking: www.meetup.com, www. craigslist.org, www.spiritrock.org, or the Commonwealth Club of California at www. commonwealthclub.org. Make seeing your friends a priority. Times goes by very quickly when you don’t stop and make time for your friends. Set up a weekly time when you and your friends can meet for coffee, walk your dogs, or take in a movie together. Maintaining friendships, after all, is just as important as making new ones. Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFTI Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco http://sftherapy.org/
5 Tips for Reducing Holiday Stress
you can recreate your holidays. I’m not encouraging you to tackle the 100 pound gorilla in your family’s living room, but simply to set a new intention for yourself and create the holiday you want in small and meaningful ways. The premise behind this change comes from slowing down and asking yourself, “What do I want?” Then continue practicing this method of self-care during times of stress. Changing old patterns requires being gentle, being patient, and taking the time. Here are some tips to get you started: 1. Give yourself permission to stop at any given time. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone in order take time out for yourself. It is your right to stop, take a breath, and ask yourself, “What do I want right now?” The answer may be, “I don’t know.” That’s ok. It is healing enough to take the time to ask yourself this question. This is the essence of self-care. 2. Make an agreement with your spouse, your partner, or a safe family member to have a check-in time during parties or family events. Having a predetermined check-in time midway through a holiday event can be a great breather, especially during difficult gatherings. Just use this check-in for each of you to see how the other is doing. Devising a codeword for each other can be another way to set up a spontaneous check-in for those unexpected stressful moments. 3. Limit your commitments. If you are one of those people who overcommits to events and then feels rough and ragged by the end of the holiday season, this tip is for you. Feelings of guilt and pressure to attend holiday events are common. Remember you can always say no to an invitation. This is not an invitation is not a reflection on how well you like or dislike the host. You are just taking it slow this holiday season. Set a goal for yourself and limit the amount of events you will attend. You may find yourself enjoying the parties you do attend with greater enthusiasm. 4. Let go of expectations. It’s ok to want your holidays to be different. Set your mind with good intentions and an open heart, and let go of results. Focus on what you can bring to the event, not what you expect to get out of it. This will help to reduce feelings of disappointment and leave room to be pleasantly surprised. 5. Create your own holiday traditions. Write down what a stress-free holiday might look like for you. Pick one or two ideas that you like, and offer your suggestions to others. You may find that other people feel the same as you and would also love a change of pace. Creating new traditions does not require others to participate, so don’t be afraid to start a new holiday tradition by yourself. This might be the best holiday gift you receive. Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFTI Counseling & Psychotherapy in San Francisco http://sftherapy.org/ __________________________________________________________________ |
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